DEC’ 20

5

Christmas carols are playing in the background. Willa is busy with a board game. Husband is making breakfast. I could get used to this!

After the exertions of last weekend, I feel a real inner serenity that I have always fantasized about before I dive deep into the holiday festivities. I am usually in such a rush- a combination of eagerness and impatience- that I often feel, when all is said and done, that I missed the holiday season altogether. Execution mode is not conducive to opening oneself up to receive the true gifts of the season. Every year, I lead myself on, telling myself that once I've finished making all the cookies...hosted all the parties...shopped and wrapped all the presents...etc. then I will finally be able to relax and enjoy the fruits of my labor.

The pandemic has had me reconsidering my approach to the holidays. I am more conscious of the boundaries we've had to maintain since last March and will continue to respect right through the winter. Not just the ones for safety but also for well-being. First, I eschewed the temptation of Black Friday deals and finished all of my gift shopping before Thanksgiving. Second, instead of hosting our annual cookie party this year, I am preparing boxes of cookies for friends to pick-up and enjoy at home. ALSO, I am strictly limiting myself to producing only a dozen different kinds- and, no, I don't mean a baker's dozen for once! I've produced as many as 26 kinds for the cookie party so this is a BIG deal for me. Third, I hit pause on the bake sale. I hated to do it. But, I needed to create more spaciousness for myself. Time to rest and reflect. I am taking a step back to consider structural changes to the bake sale and whether there are other/better ways for me to support the BLM movement. Fourth, I am trying to draw things out. I am realizing that much of the magic of the season really is in the anticipation.

So, almost a week into December, we are finally going to pick up a Christmas tree, pull out the menorah, and dress our house up in garlands and lights. Dried fruits and the candied citrus that I made last week are soaking in liquor. A ball of dough for stollen is sitting on the counter after a night of long fermentation in the fridge, waiting to be plied with freshly ground cardamom, poppy seeds, cinnamon, and flaked almonds. Then, I'll fill it with frangipane instead of the traditional marzipan. The recipe comes from Nigel Slater's Christmas Chronicles. I love his voice and I love Christmas. The book was my gift to myself and, so far, it is as good as I hoped. There are so many more recipes in the book that I want to try my hand at but the stollen was the very first. The frangipane is my own tweak- I've just never liked the thick-ish lump of marzipan in my slice of stollen but I do love the layer of frangipane in an almond croissant...

Last night was family movie night. We started the "Nutcracker." It's a recording of the actual ballet and Macaulay Culkin is in it. He looks young in it, like, younger than he was in "Home Alone." Davis and I got a good chuckle in about how old we are. Although there is little dialogue and there is lots of dancing (it is a ballet, after all), Willa was into it. We are also reading several book versions of the Nutcracker, which helps her to understand what is going on.

I found a coloring-page advent calendar. Willa has been coloring a page a day. Eventually, all of the pages come together to create one large image. I've been taping them up on the wall by our dining table. I am super excited to see how it all turns out. We did an advent calendar filled with little gifts and treats one year and it felt overwhelming to me- too much stuff, too many sweets. This coloring advent calendar feels just right- a sweet, activity-based way to mark the passage of time and build up the anticipation of Christmas.

I have never had time to linger on the details- attend to them, yes, but that's not the same as taking the time to pause and really appreciate them. Maybe this is the year for that.